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Post by Wesley Keelan Lawson on Dec 22, 2012 6:03:36 GMT -5
As Wes lay there next to her on the trunk, it just felt right. It felt like he had never gone away and they were just enjoying a typical weekend night. Wes had always tried to set aside at least one night a weekend to just relax. Fast had never been a pace that he liked. He much rather preferred the laid back attitude of the bed and breakfast that he had been raised in. He liked how the days could drag on while he did nothing other than read or nap. Even after Anila had come into his life and most of his nights had started to be spent with her, he had kept up the tradition. He had, of course, made sure to include her in on his activities when she was over for the night. Smiling to himself, he rubbed his hands over his face again and turned ever so slightly onto his side so that he was angled properly towards her. "And now you do know. So don't think for a second that I wasn't thinking about you when I skipped town," The tone of his voice was firm but still gentle as he went on talking again. His fingers twitched against the warm metal as he resisted the urge to reach out and take her hand like old times. He had never been a really big hand holder. There was just something about affection in public that always got to him. They made him feel put on the spot and awkward but he had still dealt with it for the sheer fact that Anila always looked so happy when she wrapped herself around him after work.
He barely heard her whispered question over the dull roar of passing traffic. It occurred to him that it wouldn't be long before the sun would be completely down and the clubbers would start to make their appearance. He could only assume that it would ruin the moment and he could only hope that the interruptions would hold off. "It's hard to explain," He mumbled in an attempt to mask the white lie. It wasn't hard to explain it all. It was a matter of pride. Wesley knew that if it hadn't had his kids during the dark days that followed the separation, he would've given up. He would've given into the stress of the mounting medical and child support bills. He would've given into the taunting from his own brother as well as Jolene's brother. He would've ended himself up in the hospital from malnutrition, broken bones or a mix of the two. He knew that Jolene had all but backed him into a corner with a mixture of lofting the complete loss of his children over his head and the ever constant threat of physical assault. A sour scowl took over his once flat features and he reached out to push his fingers against Anila's. It had always been habit for him to play with her hands. They were so much smaller than his own and they were always so much softer than his own. Absently, he ran a fingertip over one of her knuckles before drawing his hand back to himself and sighing heavily. He wanted to tell her that he had planned on leaving Jolene and coming back but then he knew he'd have to explain why he didn't and he wasn't sure if he was quite willing to admit what the woman had put him through.
Restlessly, he flipped completely onto his side and brought his head down slowly so he could bump his forehead ever so slightly against the side of his ex's head. Despite having uneasy feelings towards affection in public, Wes had always been a physical person. "I really am sorry for what I put you through. During, before, after, now.." He mumbled apologetically before pulling his head away from hers so that he could actually take her in. The face that he loved was still her face. The eyes that he could never shake from his head were her eyes. The picture of her sunny smile was the picture that sat on his dresser. He had managed to get rid of most of the pictures that contained her within a week after he had left but he had convinced himself to keep one just so that he could always remember. When she spoke up again, it took him a moment to realise that she meant his children. He gave another frown and looked away from her completely as he tried to purge the remaining guilt from his system. He hated how he mad her change. Hated how he had been the reason for her downward spiral and hated how he was pushing himself back into her life when she was making it exceedingly clear that he was no longer welcome. "I only have visitation rights for them. They're still in Alabama with her and I'm stuck here with my job. I couldn't be with them if I wanted to be,"
tagged - Anila/Elise<3 comments - none [/size][/blockquote]
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Post by Anila Rain Conners on Dec 22, 2012 6:35:11 GMT -5
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I don't know why I want you so 'Cause I don't need the heartbreak
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[/b][/i][/div] Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the twitch of his hand and for a moment, I wanted to slide my hand over his and take it. Stupid, foolish woman that I was; he would never leave my heart no matter how much I hated him. Looking away from him, I spoke words that I never should have spoken, “If I could have, I would have made you stay. If I hadn’t been so irrationally scared, I would have kept you all to myself.” What was I saying? I shouldn’t have said it, I should have kept those words locked away, but with him, I felt like I should be honest with how I felt. I was trying to be brave and not let my fear take hold of me and pull me away once more. At the very least I could be his friend, couldn’t I? Yes, I could, that was easy. Being friends with people had always been easy and well, I wanted easy after the harsh twists and turns my life had taken and the pain that I had lived through and the pain I was still living through that no medicine could take away.
“Try me.” I looked at him dead on, eyes narrowing. Nothing was too hard to explain. Hell, I’d been explaining things to people my whole life, like why I got mixed up with him, why I let Joy go, why I kept such a lock on my heart. He could do this one thing for me at the very least. I had all the time in the world after all. Well, maybe not all the time in the world. I had a dog to take care of and she was probably not too happy with me. Even with that thought on my mind, I unconsciously moved a few inches closer to him. I had no excuse for doing it, it wasn’t cold outside or anything, it was nice and warm and smelled of dry air and summer flowers. There was a spice to the air under the smells of the restaurant and passing traffic and that was what I focused on, trying to drown out the smell of cigarette smoke and gasoline. I wanted to enjoy this moment and just pretend while I could, pretend that nothing was wrong and we were right where we should have been, even if it was a lie.
He bumped his head against mine and I caught my breath. Oh lord help me, that touch so out of place and yet so right. A shiver rushed up my spine and I felt hot, red color spread across my cheeks as I stared straight up, listening to the soft lithe of his voice as it skated into my ear and for a moment, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and forgive him every unforgivable sin he’d cast upon me. My heart was once more in my throat and I swallowed around it, trying to keep myself from launching towards him. It was never this simple to get him to apologize and I was back to being that young girl who just wanted him to care about me and me alone, but I wasn’t that girl anymore. I was far from her and I had to shove away all other thoughts and focus on what he was saying to me. This was the one and only time I would allow us to be as we once had been. I would sit here and listen to him and then we would part way and be just friends, nothing like this would happen again.
Lies, all of it; I knew it the moment I thought it. There was no way I could ever be just friends with him, not when my pulse rose and my breathing wanted to come short. I tried to make it seem like I was completely cool and level, but that one touch had undone me. It was skin on skin, nothing like when I’d fallen into his arms earlier, we’d had the fabric of clothes between us for the most part and I had been at work and worried about other things, now there were no distractions. “I’m sorry. That can’t be easy.” I swallowed once more and decided then and there that I would not tell him about Joy, at least not tonight. I felt I could at least understand his pain and on impulse, I sat up on my arms, dark waves falling forward as I looked down at him for a moment, lips slightly parted and then, like the fool I was, I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. I pulled back, face beat red and sat back quickly, looking away from him, sitting up once more arms around my legs and chin on my knees, trying to sort through why I’d followed that impulse through. I could officially that I was completely and utterly addicted to him and I had NOT recovered from that addiction in three years.
I don't know what addictive hold You have on me I can't shake
• complete: yes • muse: good • comments: none • word count: 844 ANILA RAIN CONNERS [/center] [/blockquote] [/color][/size][/td][/tr][/table][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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Post by Wesley Keelan Lawson on Dec 23, 2012 0:16:07 GMT -5
At one time in their relationship, he would've tried to explain to her. He would've got up from his spot on the couch with her and paced furrows into the hardwood floors while staring hard at the walls. The only break in his wandering would've come when he had finally turned to face her and started explaining. Words would just tumble out of his mouth before he managed to censor them and he would hope she would understand. He had never been very good at admitting to other people that he had weaknesses. He was well awarer that he had them but he had always tried to pretend that he didn't. Even as a young child he would deny to his mother that he had any sort of problem wether mental or physical. It had stuck with him throughout middle school and high school and even into young adulthood. He could remember traipsing into the house at one in the morning with blood drying on his shirt and face only to shrug his concerned mother off. He had ended up locking himself into his bedroom just as he had heard his brother, who he knew had been in a similar state, come into the house with much more noise and show than he had. His poor mother had done the only thing she knew at that point and had called his father home from work with the excuse that it was a family emergency. Wes had always tried to stay out of the way of his fathers rage for the sheer fact that he was terrifying. He could almost see the scene playing itself out in his minds eye as he laid on the trunk and stared into the sky. His door, that had later been ended up being replaced, had been kicked in at the lock and Wes could only sit speechless as his still in uniform father swept into the room. Even with the threat of his father, he had refused to talk to either parent or let either of them check the crooked nose. He hadn't wanted their help because he didn't think he was weak enough to need their help. Wes didn't regret that he hadn't changed that part of him along with all the parts he had changed. He didn't even regret it when he had been laid up both times after surgery.
He rolled onto his back once more and stretched his legs out until they were hanging off the edge of the trunk once more. He tried to keep his mind off of the fact that she was going to walk away from him much too soon. He was going to have to sit up, tell her good bye like he wasn't going to miss her and watch as she went home to her life. He was going to have to take himself home and go about his nightly routine while lying to himself that he was happy to be there. Maybe he wouldn't go home at all though. He hadn't really sampled the night clubs in the area but he figured that there'd probably be one that he could settle himself into and try to drink himself into oblivion like he had all those years ago. Wes had ended up making a trip back to Ireland with his family to watch an uncle finally marry the woman who had been in the family long enough to be considered an aunt. He had wanted to take Anila with him but his mother had advised him it would be best to take Jolene with him because she, after all, was the mother of both of his children and the woman who his family overseas assumed he was getting married to. Wes had said his long good byes to the girl he really wanted to take with him and instead boarded the flight with enough Dramamine in his system to accidentally on purpose ignore the woman he had wanted to leave behind. He turned his face towards Anila and watched her as he realised that he had never shared all the details of the trip with her. He wasn't sure if he ever planned on it either. He could remember sitting in the waiting room of the doctors office with her and telling her that he'd jacked up his knee by wrestling around with his cousins. He had felt slightly guilty at the time but not enough to change his story to the truth once she had accepted his story.
"Don't apologise. Besides, it's better than not seeing them at all," He told her simply while wrinkling his nose ever so slightly at the sorry he had been given. He tracked her movements as she pushed herself up off the windshield on her arms. He started to push himself up in return, assuming that she was ready to leave back to the world and he figured the least he could do was offer her a ride to wherever. His entire body froze though when her lips drew near and for a split second he considered pulling away. He didn't deserve her anymore. He had himself convinced that on top of not deserving her, he didn't want her anymore. He knew that he was lying though the moment he felt the kiss on his forehead. He inhaled deeply as he brushed his lips against her throat before she retreated and took the ever familiar scent of her skin with her. It occurred to him that he was still as unsure now as he had been three years ago if the smell he loved was her perfume or just her bath soap. As she curled in on herself, he resumed pushing himself up into a sit and threw an arm around her waist carelessly. He refrained from pulling her against him and he tried to hold in any sort of chuckle at the colour of her face. He didn't want to ruin the moment nor did he want to chase her away. "D'you want a ride home? Or wherever?" He offered in a voice that shockingly lacked any sort of amusement. He was careful to keep his expression to one of polite interest as he watched her. He originally may not have wanted her back but she, like always, was quick to change his mind.
tagged - Anila/Elise<3 comments - none [/size][/blockquote]
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Post by Anila Rain Conners on Dec 23, 2012 1:08:12 GMT -5
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I don't know why I want you so 'Cause I don't need the heartbreak
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[/b][/i][/div] The silence between us was tense for a moment and then, it was as if both of us relaxed, taking comfort in the fact that really, we knew certain things about each other that no one else would ever know. I liked this sort of peace between us. I wanted it back forever, but I didn’t think I would ever get it back. I shifted my azure eyes towards the darkening sky and wished, not for the first time, that I could pluck a star from the sky and keep it with me for the rest of my life, the way I had once wanted to keep him by me. My mind wondered to all the times I’d sat on the couch, reading, curled up with a blanket only to be distracted when he came home. My heart would always skip a beat and then thunder onward like an angel had been sent down to me. I would stare up at him with bright blue eyes and set my book side only to end up wrapped up in him moments later, be it on the couch, in the shower or on the bed. I swallowed, feeling my chest tighten and my face heat up at the memories.
I fiddled with a ring on my finger, something I’d been given long ago and I was pretty sure he was the one who had given it me. A birthday present that I couldn’t seem to bring myself to stop wearing. It was a pretty thing, but nothing extravagant, which was fine with me, I didn’t usually wear jewelry beyond earrings and maybe if people were lucky, a necklace of some sort. This ring however, never left my finger. If I took the slender band off, you would notice the skin was pale white compared to the rest of my skin, but I didn’t mind even if it was a constant reminder of the things that I could probably never get back. For a moment, I wondered if maybe I should give it back to him now that I had the chance, but I was feeling greedy or maybe I just didn’t want to give up this reminder. I chewed my lower lip, worrying it like I had when we’d spent so many nights together and he’d been angry with me and I’d wondered if I’d taken it too far and only stopping when he came to bed or at the worst, when he came back the next day.
“That’s true, but I am allowed to feel bad.” I turned a look on him, a brow raising in challenge. It felt good to know that I could still look at him like that and still feel the urge to bump my hip against him playfully, not that I was going to do that on the car, we might fall off and we’d both done enough falling over for one day. Then we were touching for the briefest of moments, my lips were pressed to his forehead and I felt the soft brush of his lips against my throat and that old, familiar and not entirely welcome heat rushed over me and oh whatever higher being was out there, I wished that I could just throw myself at him without reservation or fear, but I couldn’t because I was much too broken for that. Once more, I cursed myself for being the idiot that I was as I sat there, curled in on myself and craving close contact with him once more. It felt like I could breathe again now that he was here and yet, I felt like I was drowning at the same time.
My legs dropped down, over the trunk and my hand dropped to my side, only to land on his and for a moment, I stiffened and then my head swung around to look at him, eyes wide and unsure of why his arm was placed so carelessly around me. It felt so right and so wrong, so perfect and so hellish all at once. I heard his question and chewed my lip a moment, catching it between my teeth and worrying until I tasted the faint metallic of blood. My car was here, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to part from him so soon. I could always take the bus down here tomorrow to get my car and whether it was foolish or not, I shot him a beaming smile, eyes soft as I spoke, “Sure, A Ghrá mo Chroí. I don’t live that far from here.” I hadn’t meant to let the old endearment slip, but I wasn’t about to take it back, because no matter how much I denied it, he was still my heart’s beloved, even if we would never be what we were again.
I don't know what addictive hold You have on me I can't shake
• complete: yes • muse: good • comments: none • word count: 801 ANILA RAIN CONNERS [/center] [/blockquote] [/color][/size][/td][/tr][/table][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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