memories like a ghost [open]

[Anila Rain Conners]

I don't know why I want you so
'Cause I don't need the heartbreak

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She ran, pushing hard even though her legs protested, even though her mind begged her to stop, but her heart wouldn’t let her. She raced like the wind, long locks of mahogany flying around her. Wide eyes of sapphire blue glittered with tears as she ran, reaching out a hand slowly to try and grab the arm of the man in front of her. “Please don’t!” she begged him, tears streaking her cheeks as she tried to drag in a breath that would heal the gaping wound in her heart. She’d stopped running, but her heart and breathing was still off, racing a mile a minute as the shadowed face of the man turned towards her, a cruel smile coloring his face even as she looked up at him with huge, pleading eyes. Not a word was spoken, they just stared at each other and suddenly, he pulled away from her taking the arm of a tall beauty and leaving her behind like she was nothing. Falling to her knees, she covered her face and weep openly, a heart wrenching sob breaking from her. It didn’t move the man; he didn’t even look at her one last time as he walked away.

I sat up forcefully, throwing my blankets away from me as I leaned forward, elbows on my legs and hands holding either side of my head. My heart was thundering in my chest and I felt that old ache, that ache I thought I’d put behind me, but apparently not. It would never leave me and every time I think it’s gone it comes back with such force that it takes away my will to keep moving forward to become a stronger person. Shutting azure eyes once more, I took a deep, steadying breath and opened them once more to glance around my room with its pale pastel green walls and white and brown accents. Right there in front of me, hanging over my dress was that picture, the one I just couldn’t get rid of. The one of him, looking at me like I was the only thing that mattered. I remember every detail of that day. After hours of passion, I sat at my easel naked, wrapped in a blanket from the bed, watching him with just that sheet over his lap, looking at me with so much love, my heart nearly burst. I wanted that back so badly.

Shaking my head, I rose from my bed and moved towards my dresser. I had work, this was not something I should be worrying about right now and so, I grabbed my work clothes and rushed into my bathroom to take the quickest shower of my life. I was behind, I knew that and I was bent and prepared not to look at the clock to confirm my fears of just how behind I was today. Toweling dry, I dressed as quickly as I dared in my black hose, skirt and white blouse, throwing my hair up into a bun. I worked carefully on my make-up, keeping it light, but still allowing myself to look like the stunner so many people believed that I was. Taking one last look at myself in the full length mirror, I took a deep breath and released it on a sigh. What would he think of me now? I was a very different person than I had been in high school. I was bitter and angry now, playing with hearts like they were the simplest of toys. Reaching up a shaky hand, I tucked my bangs behind my ear and put a bright, but rather fake smile on my face.

Rushing out the door was no easy thing with the shows I was wearing. This place that I worked at? We were expected to look as attractive as we possibly could. Not that I wanted people to look at me just for my looks or anything, if they hadn’t paid so well, I never would have taken the job, but the money? It was too good to pass up. Letting out another sigh, I hopped into my car, pulled out and drove to work with that horrible nightmare still swarming to the front of my mind. There was no shaking it so I knew I’d have to be on my guard, keep that smile plastered to my face at all costs and not let anyone see what was bothering me. No one had a right to know what things ate at my soul. Snorting out a humorless laugh, I pulled into the parking lot and jumped out of my car, rushing into the restaurant and finally glanced at the clock. Good, I wasn’t late, I was right on time. Smirking to myself in satisfaction, I headed back to the break room to put my stuff in my locker.

Upon entering the actual work space, I walked over to the hostess and asked her which section was mine today. She told me with and easy gesture of her hand and said that there was one table that hadn’t been waited on yet because they knew I was going to be there any minute and so, with a smile on my face, I walked towards the table, pad of paper in my hand and pen ready to take down whatever it was that they wanted to order. This was so natural to me know, almost as natural as holding a paint brush in my hands. Still, it would never be what I wanted most in life, right now it was just a stepping stone towards something greater. Taking one last deep breath I arrived to the side to the side of the table and without really giving the person my full, unaverted gaze, I looked just to the side of their head, before speaking, “Good afternoon. My name is Anila and I’ll be your server this afternoon. What can I get you to drink? Perhaps an appetizer?” These lines, I knew them all too well.

I don't know what addictive hold
You have on me I can't shake

• complete: yes • muse: amazing • comments: none • word count: 1002

Anila Rain Conners[/center]
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[Wesley Keelan Lawson]

Weekend naps had long since been a tradition in his household. His children would seek him out like clockwork at eleven in the morning and they would always find him laying sideways in the overstuffed armchair. The television would be turned off so that the only noise was the soft hum of a radio in a distant room and the trio's breathing. Wesley was always the last to fall asleep in the pile on the chair. He would spend long minutes, or even hours, just watching his children sleep while pushing their striking hair back from their foreheads. He knew that he would only get to have these sort of moments with his growing children for a few more years. Even now, Jonah was starting to out grow the naps that had been started solely because of him. As if the mere thought of his name was enough to bring him back to wakefulness, the boy slowly uncurled himself from his position between Wes and the back of the chair while glancing blearily between Wes and the little girl in his lap. Bringing a finger to his lips in a gesture for his son to be quiet, he carefully drew his daughter further up on his chest so that the boy could crawl across his lap and drop to the floor where he promptly padded away to find the bag filled with his toys. The sound of plastic rattling against plastic in a canvas bag was overly loud in the once peaceful house and before long, Josephine was the next to open her eyes.

Unlike her brother who had left the make shift bed almost immediately after waking, Josephine opted to continue to lay bonelessly against Wes's chest. He watched as his daughters eyelids fluttered closed and jerked open in lengthening fits until he finally sat them both up. As much as he wanted to let her sleep the rest of the afternoon away, he knew that she wouldn't want to sleep when her bedtime finally rolled around. Add in the fact that it was growing increasingly obvious that his son, whose stomach was making loud protests, was hungry and nap time was doomed to be over. Very gently, he dropped short kisses over her freckled cheeks and nose in an apology for not letting her fall back asleep and he persisted despite her giggles growing in volume until she was giving a fully awake squeal of delight. "Awake now?" He questioned her in an amused tone as he shifted her until she sat on the edge of the chair between his legs where he could easily reach all of her loose curls. As much as he loved that her hair had his own natural texture, he didn't love having to wash whatever they had for supper out of it when it came to bath time. "Jonah, go get your shoes on," He told the seven year old while making sure to throw him a pointed look that added the unspoken 'now'. As much as he loved his son and wanted to pretend that he was a perfect angel without having any ounce of attitude, he knew it was a lie. He had finally started going through the point in his life where everything was met with a why and he felt he had no reason to listen to anybody, especially not his parents. Personally, Wes blamed it on the fact that Jolene did very little to correct either child or make either of them listen but he kept the theory to himself.

The redhead heard his son come thudding back into the living room well before he saw him and the only thing he could do was ignore the display. He instead focused on pulling Josephine's hair up into a pony tail while keeping the bumps out of it and making sure that the random long strands in her bangs weren't going to be in her face for the duration of the meal. Giving the pony tail one last soft tug to tighten it, he sat his daughter on her feet on the floor and waited until she had toddled away to get her shoes on before leveraging himself out of the chair and in search of his own shoes. On his way to the door for his shoes, he stopped to collect his keys and wallet off of the coffee table. He slipped his shoes on while turning the knob on the door to the outside, a call given over his shoulder for his pair of offspring to come along. They responded immediately and he took his daughters hand when she offered it to him while his son bounced down the stairs and climbed into the almost always unlocked car. Wes took a second to check that, unlike his car door, his house door was locked before following after Jonah to put Josephine into her own safety seat. He quickly checked to make sure Jonah was actually buckled into his properly before shutting the car door and climbing into his own seat. The car came to life with a roar and Wes only wasted seconds in backing out of his parking spot and getting on his way.

The car ride had consisted of mostly Jonah and Josephine playing some little game that they made up between themselves. One of the many joys of having children who were similar in age, really. There game was only broken by one of them directing a question to him or by one of them telling him something that had happened while they had been at their mothers for the week. Pulling into the diner parking lot, he cut the engine and glanced in the rear view mirror to see Jonah letting himself out of his safety seat before crawling across the gap of seat to help Josephine out of hers. Wesley knew that if the child locks hadn't been set on the door, the boy would've went as far as to try and let them both out of the car altogether. With a quick thank you to his own foresight, he climbed out of the car and opened the back door for the pair. Unlike at the house, Jonah took hold of the hand that his little sister hadn't clutched after shooting her a look that clearly stated his disappointment over her having claimed Wes's left hand. Both of his children were fascinated by the simple star outline on his hand. Both of his children also seemed to know that his left hand was his "writing" hand, as they called it, and therefore seemed to think that, for whatever reason, whoever had that hand was the winner. The father rolled his eyes at the silent bicker but otherwise made no move to stop the look that his son had shot at his daughter. He instead lead the way into the diner and into an empty booth tucked into a corner. Once again, Wes gave a silent thank you to some unknown force as he watched his son happily allow his sister to sit on the inside of the same side of the booth as himself instead of throwing a fit until she moved. He also thanked the unknown force that, much like himself, both of his children were left handed and therefore had no problem sitting on either side of each other.

It wasn't too long after they were seated that the waitress came back. As was Josephine's nature, she broke into a big smile and even offered the waitress a hello before giggling and hiding herself behind her brother who adopted a look of sibling annoyance and went back to 'reading' his menu. Wesley, as was his nature, kept his face down as he read slowly through the menu. That was until the waitress gave her name. He felt his perception seemingly shift sideways and it was all he could do to keep himself from slipping from his upright posture in an attempt to calm his spinning head. It had been impossible for him to forget that name. Would always be impossible. She had been such a big part of his life. At the time, the biggest part. Even with all the things going on that he had been hiding from her, she had remained the most prominent point in his mess of a life. He struggled for a moment to breath until he managed to come up with something to steady him. Anila was a common name, right? But that lie didn't work for him. Instead, he tried to convince himself it was a coincidence and nothing more. He tried to convince himself that when he looked up it would be some middle aged woman who bore no resemblance to the beauty who he had spent countless hours just laying with. Swallowing thickly, he forced himself to look up from his menu and found himself staring his past directly in the face. Except, she wasn't the same. She looked similar. Still had the round face and bright eyes but she was so different. He couldn't put his finger on it but he knew. Clearing his throat, he drew his gaze off of her and put it onto his children who were sitting completely oblivious and absorbed into their own little world. Far away from what had happened before either of them had been born. "Fruit punch for the young ones, please. Water, for myself," He answered in a rather composed voice despite the urge to just get up and leave. He didn't want a scene. He didn't know if he could even cause a scene. After all, it had been his fault. He may be known as many nasty names and many nasty traits but he did know when he was wrong. "No appetizer, thank you. Just two orders of chicken fingers. One with chips, the other with onion rings," He continued on in a still composed voice that only faltered on the foreign word. He did it on purpose. As much as he was arguing against himself that he didn't do it on purpose, he knew he had. He had always called fries, just that. Despite the obvious accent, he was American and had that vocabulary to fall back onto. Until he had gotten together with Anila. Fries had soon turned into chips, first as a mocking joke and then as an inside joke. Once again, he cleared his throat and tore his gaze away from his children and back up to the woman who had every right to refuse to serve him.

tagged - Anila/Elise<3
comments - lots o' rambling, truly sorry. if you need a change, lemme know c:
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[Anila Rain Conners]

I don't know why I want you so
'Cause I don't need the heartbreak

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I felt so very out of place at this moment in time, waiting on this family and all that. It made me think about all that I had given up and I just tried not to focus on them too closely. They were people I would probably see once and then never see them again. I kept repeating that to myself, over and over again. I tried to keep reminding myself that I didn’t need Joy around to constantly remind me of him. I swallowed down a deep breath and just kept my eyes focused on the wall that was all I could do. I turned a polite smile onto the daughter when she spoke, but didn’t really focus on her, as I’d always done when it came to kids. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them, oh no, I loved kids very much and would have happily kept my sweet little girl, but I just wasn’t old enough and my heart just couldn’t take it. I was sure I would have died of heart break if I’d kept her, that or hated her for looking so much like the man who had broken me into little pieces that I just couldn’t pick up.

Someone, my mind had gotten itself into some sort of funk and I wasn’t sure how I could sort it out. I was here to work, not go off into la la land about things lost gone. He wasn’t here, he didn’t know about her and he would certainly NEVER know about her. Those were things I would never share with him, not even if he begged me to. There was just too much pain and too many things that I needed to fix about myself. I didn’t even trust other women, let alone any men. Really, he’d ruined my life and I hated him with a fiery passion for it. I knew within my heart of hearts, that I would never be the same ever again and with a slow, inward breath that I hoped they didn’t notice, I dropped all my other thoughts and focused soully on that task at hand, getting distracted by other things caused mistakes and I couldn’t afford to make an and have someone complain about me. It would do me no good and really? I needed the tips and the pay check. However, what I didn’t know at this moment was that somehow my thoughts had manifested him, or so I thought.

Poised and ready, I wrote down each word the man spoke, even if his words seemed to remind me of times that I would rather have forgotten and then he said it and my blue eyes went wide and my head snapped towards him, eyes focusing on him and then narrowing in hostility. I kept telling myself I should walk way, but instead, I put a fake, bright smile on my face, finished righting what he wanted on the pad and then with as much sweetness as possible asked him, “What sort of fries would you like? We have several kinds; curly, garlic or regular.” I said these words with the best impersonation of an American accent as possible, raising an eyebrow at him and DARING him to say something rude and uncouth at my place of work. I knew it was foolish and childish to act this way, but I was still hurting. It may have been three years, but my heart still carried that wound and for a moment, my expression was unguarded and my hurt surfaced, but was quickly pushed away as I looked towards the kids, with a genuine smile on my face once more.

I crouched down on their level and smiled up at them, “Would you kids like a cherry or a strawberry with your fruit punches?” Once more, that flowing British accent tinged my words as I tilted my head at the kids, bright sapphire eyes giving away nothing as I looked them over. Well, the girl certainly looked just like him; a pity really because her father was a piece of work. I took a deep, slow breath to clear my thoughts once more and rose back up, smoothing my skirt with slightly shaking hands, before meeting his gaze once more. “Then I’ll get this order in now and be right back with your drinks, unless there is something else that you need?” I said and looked at him with hostile blue flame hued eyes. I couldn’t say what really had me this angry, probably the fact that he was bringing up that joke from so long ago. He had no right! Not now, not ever, not after how horrible he’d let me down. I swallowed down whatever vile words I was prepared to spit out at him and stood there, pen raised, and eyes locked on his face for a moment more.

My eyes shifted away from him, as though somehow staring at him for too long would tear me to pieces even more. I didn’t want to look at him because I didn’t need those old feelings to show up in my eyes because I could feel that small, hateful emotion in my heart once more, hope. That’s what got the crap beaten out of me to begin with. He probably hasn’t thought twice about me since he left me, no matter that he paid the bills for what the horrible bitch did to me. No, he probably did it because he felt guilty and that was when my eyes once more fell on those kids and fear swelled hot and heavy in my chest. If he was here and they were here, then she was probably here and I felt myself begin to shake, even if it wasn’t hard, I hoped he wouldn’t notice as I focused on the wall once more and waited with baited breath for him to confirm that everything was correct or tell me anything else they needed. I just wanted this day to be over, right now, it was a living nightmare!

I don't know what addictive hold
You have on me I can't shake

• complete: yes • muse: amazing • comments: none • word count: 1011

Anila Rain Conners[/center]
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[Wesley Keelan Lawson]

Of course he had never expected to see her here. He'd assumed she had went home to her parents after she'd recovered and that would be that. He'd carry on with his life bearing the guilt of his own indecision and spinelessness while pretending that nothing was wrong. He thought he had prepared himself to stare anyone in the face and lie to them boldly about the fact that Ani had once been the love of his life but that chapter in his life was over. In fact, he had lied countless times to both his parents and siblings. To the mother of his children and to his friends. He'd stare every single one of them in the face and told them that he was over her and that was the end of it. There were times though, even after three years, that he would wake in the middle of the night from a searing pain in his knee and would seek out the comfort of Anila in the space beside his, only to find her half of the bed empty. He knew it was pathetic and after the haze of confusion and disappointment cleared off, a wave of thick guilt would manifest and force him out of his bed and into another sleepless night on the couch. He had had many sleepless nights during their time together. Stress was the most common motivator but pain had been a close second. Anila had come in a far third but those were the sleepless nights that he enjoyed but had long since tried to push to some remote part of his mind. Not to forget them, per say but to instead make them less apparent and harder to bring to the front of his mind.

Wesley had to resist the urge to flinch under the suddenly focused and intense gaze that was set upon him. He had always tried his hardest to keep out from under her anger but of course, it was his nature to not always avoid it. The only good that had come of it had been the fact that he had soon worked out the best ways in which to apologise to her. When the fake smile was put on and the American accent was brought out, Wes laughed. Not a quiet little sad laugh. Nor a soft little polite laugh. No, a full on amused laugh. "Neither suit you," He continued on with laughter still in his voice as he slouched back against the booth. Despite the laughter, Wesley could still feel the tension. Could still tell that she was mad at him and that it wasn't going to fade even if he tried to apologise to her with every trick in his book. "The fake smile and accent," He clarified once he had regained some composure due to the fact that he had only just barely caught the bleeding look she had sent him. He sobered slowly as he gave an uncomfortable shift in his seat and turned his gaze down onto his menu like it had suddenly been filled with an entirely new list of items. Across the table, he was aware that his daughter had was currently sprawling half way across her brother in an attempt to make sure that she was heard by Ani, despite the fact that all she did was look her in the face, giggle and then go back to hiding behind her brother. Wes glanced up just in time to watch Jonah give his sister yet another one of his trademark looks of annoyment, even going as far as to sigh and roll his eyes while scooting farther away from her.

"They'll go without," He answered when it appeared that neither his son nor daughter was going to speak. Her burning gaze once again locked with his and he shifted awkwardly in his seat while fixing the collar of his dark green flannel. The crushing sense of guilt had wiggled its way back into the pit of his stomach and he was suddenly glad that he had decided to go without a meal for himself. He honestly wasn't even sure if he could manage to handle water. Stress also effected his eating. And he had to say that, hands down, the whole situation was extremely stressful. "Ani.." He started in a voice that quickly adopted his boldly apologetic tone. He had never said he was sorry to her. He had tried. He had wanted to. He should have. He couldn't see her even wanting to hear it coming from him though. Would he want to hear it? He briefly thought about it before deciding that, if it had been him in her position, he would at least want someone to try to apologise to him. Of course, he'd be beyond upset that it was three years late but it was better late than never, right? Crossing his legs under the table, he watched as she looked once again to his children. He knew it would have to have taken her by suprise but he didn't feel that her reaction was justified. After all, if she wanted to ignore them she could simply walk away, the order had been completed and there was nothing keeping her there to stare at the wall. Out of pure curiosity, he looked to the pad in her hands and couldn't help but notice the barely visible tremor of the pen in her hands. "Alright?' He questioned her in a low voice as to not draw attention from the surrounding booths. Before his mind realised what his body was doing, his hand was reaching out to hers in what had once been a comforting gesture. Only too late did he realise what he had done and within seconds his hand was jerked back to himself and folded into his lap like she'd stabbed him with a fork.

tagged - Anila/Elise<3
comments - none
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[Anila Rain Conners]

I don't know why I want you so
'Cause I don't need the heartbreak

[/b][/i][/color]

Why was this happening to me? Why did he have to show up today of all days? I should have called in sick; I should have stayed in bed or something. After all I had had that dream about him. That was my problem; I never listened to the warning signs that came to me. I really wanted to lift my hand and run it through my hair, but it was up and there was no way I could do that unless I took my hair down, but I wasn’t about to do that, it would seem like I was trying to look better for him when I wasn’t. Instead, I licked my bottom lip before pulling it between my teeth to keep myself from saying anything stupid or foolish. I should just tell them I’m not feeling well and leave, but it was like I just COULDN’T bring myself to do it. I knew, deep down, I’d missed him and wanted to see him, but that was stupid. I’d come to terms long ago that we would never see each other and again and that I hated him more than I’d ever loved him. He’d taken away the love when he’d turned his back on me.

Drawing in breath after breath, I tried to keep my cool, but it was like I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw something, anything to make myself feel better. I could feel those long forgotten tears threatening to come forward and I knew, I just knew that I needed to walk away as quickly as possible, I needed to get out of here, but something held me there with my fake smile and my fake politeness and my fake everything. There was nothing real about me except for my flesh and blood. Those were the only things that counted to me anyways. Then he’d opened his mouth and spoken and I narrowed sapphire eyes on him once more and placed a hand on my hip, shifting slightly to balance most of my weight on my left leg and raised an eyebrow at him, conscious to the fact that there were children here and I could only go so far with my words. I would have to choose wisely what I was willing to say to him right now and then I smiled a cruel twisted, broken sort of smile.

“Is this better?” I made sure that I was fully facing him, “Is this what you wanted to see?” I asked the words in my coldest tone, letting him know that I had been trying to be polite and spare him this sort of cruelty. I was sure this wasn’t the worst either of us had dealt with. We’d both had our fair share of fighting when we’d been together. I hated that he’d laughed, I’d wanted him to get angry and know exactly how I felt every time I woke up and looked in the mirror and realized I was alone and would probably forever stay that way because I just couldn’t open up my heart to another living person. I heard him speak for his kids and I just nodded my head, unable to say anymore for fear of saying too much. He didn’t need to know what else might be going on with me. He didn’t have a right to that anymore. I drew strength from that fact, even know I was sure if he asked I would tell him everything, spill my guts like a weak willed person and my will was not weak, even if he’d made me that way once upon a time.

This over whelming fear had me rooted to the spot. I couldn’t move for a minute there and I knew that I should, that I was supposed to take the order to the window and bring them back their drinks, but I couldn’t seem to get my body to move as I focused on the wall and tried not to look at anything else. I looked back at him when he said my name, but it wasn’t my name and I glared at him, “My name’s Anila. Please don’t call me, Ani. You don’t have the right to do that anymore.” I said it quietly, hoping that only he could hear me and tried once more to calm my nerves so that I could turn and walk back to the ticket window. I heard him speak and I watched him move, but I couldn’t bring myself to move away. Maybe, I wanted his touch, maybe I craved it, but that was stupid and a childish fantasy, still, it was sort of nice to see him try to reach out to me like that, however he jerked away and I frowned without realizing it.

Drawing myself out of my thoughts, I turned my back to them and glanced over a shoulder, “I’ll be right back with those drinks.” Before briskly walking away, placing the ticket on the hook and standing at the drink station, hands against the counter, trying not to hyperventilate. My chest heaved and I swiped my fingers under my eyes, trying to wipe way the tears that had decided at that moment in time to come cascading down my cheeks. I was glad my make-up was water proof or I would have been a total mess, but as it was, I was always careful with my make-up, so I brushed my hands over my cheeks, clearing away the salt water that had run trails down my face and got together their drinks as quickly as I could without making a mess of it. With that done, I picked up a tray, placed the drink on it and turned to walk back to them. “Here you go.” Leaning down, I placed the two fruit punches in front of the kids and the water in front of him before I straightened once more, “If there isn’t anything else you need, I’ll be back with your food when it’s ready.” I placed a beaming smile on my face before preparing to turn and walk away once more, tray resting against my legs.

I don't know what addictive hold
You have on me I can't shake

• complete: yes • muse: amazing • comments: none • word count: 1032

Anila Rain Conners[/center]
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[Wesley Keelan Lawson]

The broken smile that replaced the fake one on her face was, in his opinion, for the better. At least she was showing him some kind of emotion aside from plain indifference. At least she was acting like she still cared. Oh, he knew he shouldn't of cared that she cared but he did. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was trying to convince himself that if she still cared enough about their failed relationship to be angry and bitter over it then there was the faint chance she still cared about him. "Yes," He told her in a flat voice as he swept his uncharacteristically limp hair back off his forehead. If he had known this morning that he was going to be running to Anila, he would've taken the time to actually make himself look presentable. Instead he had planned on having an easy day with his kids and had dressed accordingly. His hair had been saved from the searing flat iron and chemical filled foams. An old flannel shirt with odd specks of beige paint and frayed hems was drawn out of the back of his closet. It had taken him awhile to remember exactly when the shirt had been last worn and why it had ended up in such a state but as the day had progressed he had managed to put an event to a time period. Of course, it had taken a phone call to his beloved mother who had been more than a little amused by the purpose of the phone call. Even though Wes would never admit it, he had mostly just wanted to call and talk to his mother without having to admit to just that. He was brought out of his musings by the waitress correcting his usage of her name. "Anila," He repeated after her while trying half heartidly to keep the sneer out of his voice and off his face.

A movement in the corner of his eye made him turn his attention onto Josephine just as the last of her curly red ponytail disappear past the edge of the table. Wes could only roll his eyes as he felt her clumsily bump into his knees and then promptly reappear on his side of the booth. He had guessed that the little girl wouldn't stay to her side of the table for the duration of the meal but he hadn't counted on her making it to his side so soon. "Yes?" He questioned her as she stared up at him with big green eyes and an even bigger smile. "Pen please?" Was her giggled reply and Wes just raised his eyebrow at her before drawing himself up in the booth to pull a pen out of his pocket and offer it to her. Not only did she take the pen from his hand but she also took the opportunity to take his place mat which she promptly flipped over and began drawing on. "Daddy, I want a pen too," Came the sound of his sons voice as he also flipped his place mat over. Without even a second thought, he drew another pen out of his pocket and passed it across the table to his son. It was only fair, after all. He couldn't give one child one thing and then deny the other child the same thing, could he? Briefly, he searched the diner for any sign of where Anila had disappeared to but his attention was soon drawn back to his table when there was a sudden weight in his lap and a tug on his fingers. A half smile worked its way onto his lips as he obliged his daughter and let her maneuver his hand until it was laying on a clean section of the paper. However, he made sure to gently tug the hand away a few times just as she was about to start tracing his over sized man hands. The clink of glasses on the table paired with the familiar voice made him look up from his ever giggling daughter and smack into that well known face of the past.

"Thank you," He muttered to her before taking a sip of his own drink. Water had never held a lot of appeal to him but the Arizona heat had made him learn to deal with it or risk the consequences. When she spoke up again, he turned his attention back to her like it was the most natural reaction in the world. Something he did as thoughtlessly as breathing or as easily as he remembered historic events. It was almost like the sight of her turning her back to him made his control snap. Without realising it, he was placing his daughter back at his side and staggering up from his booth with the back of his hand pressed to his mouth to keep in the string of curses that tried to escape as a result of bashing his knee on the underside of the table. "Ani," He started once he was sure he had his composure. Somewhere inside of him he knew that he was trying to make her mad. Trying to make her yell and scream and glare at him. Trying to make her show any sort of emotion other than the bitter smiles and teary eyes that strangled his heart and laid his conscious heavy with guilt. "There is something else, actually," He forged ahead bravely as he ducked in around her to try and catch her eye without looming on accident. "You can talk to me and let me explain myself instead of assuming you think you know why I left," Never had he wanted to make a scene, especially not in front of his kids but he couldn't take the well deserved sad looks he had received. "And you can still stop that fake smiling thing," Wes repeated in a lower voice as his expression hardened into a mild scowl.

tagged - Anila/Elise<3
comments - none
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[Anila Rain Conners]

I don't know why I want you so
'Cause I don't need the heartbreak

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I felt stupid standing here, looking at him and wanting. What did I want though? Maybe, I wanted him to grab my hand and pull me to him and tell me all the things I’d needed to hear for so very long, or maybe I wanted him to yell at me and tell me just how worthless I was. I couldn’t really be sure because my mind was all in a tumble; I was falling down hill and back into that moment of self-loathing once more. However, I realized just how like us this was. At least to me, he was always so simple it seemed and that was what I loved about him. My heart flip-flopped in my chest and I lifted a hand to rest it between my breasts as my heart picked up its frantic race once more. What he did to me. It wasn’t fair and I wanted to throw something in his face for the way he made me feel, but I couldn’t. I was at work and I couldn’t deal with this now, so I put my mask into place and made sure that it didn’t slip this time. He didn’t need to see my inner heart, not again.

Without thinking about it I rolled my eyes at him and once more put the fake smile on my face. I wasn’t here to please him with my looks, I was only here to serve him food and be done with it. “Well, too bad. You don’t get to see that face anymore.” I watched his hand sweep his hair from his face and unconsciously lifted a hand to brush my own bangs from my eyes, watching him with lowered lids and a thundering heart. I dropped my hand quickly when I realized what I’d done and fisted it beside me. Damn him. It was old habit for me to watch him and mimic his motions, it was something that I had greatly enjoyed doing, like when he shaved his face, oh how my hands would follow most the motions on my own face, and then I’d blush like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar and walk away or try to. Sometimes, I didn’t always get away and I had to force myself not to smile genuinely at the memory, it was a hard battle, but I won eventually, keeping my face that fake, bland smile.

Not a word was spoken once he’d repeated my name and not the nickname that I didn’t allow anyone to use anymore because I wasn’t sure what I should say. It still had the same effect on my heart and mind as when he spoke my nickname. I brushed loose strands of hair away from my face as I saw his daughter crawl under the table and I smiled slightly, just a soft turn up of the corner of my lips, that was it and then I was turning to walk away to fill those drink orders and get away from them for at least a moment. I didn’t want to deal with him right now and really? I wanted to get him out of here as fast as possible before one or both of us said something we would completely regret. My steps were brisk and my stride even, the soft tap of my shoes on the ground rang loud as a bell in my ears and I wished, not for the first time, that I could just disappear, especially after my fit in the drink station, but now that it was over, I was back at their table standing there and waiting.

He muttered a few simple words that I was very used to hearing and I inclined my head that was all the answer I could really give him because I wasn’t sure that I could say much else. I was frustrated and ready for this day to be over already and it had only just begun. I was prepared to turn and go away once more and only return when their meal was ready, but something in me told me that I wasn’t going to get off that lightly. The tension in the air around us only seemed to get worse and I closed my eyes, ready for the words that would bring me to my knees, or worse, that would bring out my unhealthy temper and cause a scene in the middle of the restaurant. I glanced around quickly, breathing a quick sigh of relief when I realized that the place was mostly empty and that no one was close to us, most people were close to the windows or towards the front of the restaurant. It was a small God send, but it was really all that I could ask for right now.

Then it came and my heart leap up into my throat and I half turned around to face him once more, eyes narrowed. He’d used my nickname again and I was furious. I’d told him not to use it, but then I wasn’t at all surprised that he chose not to listen to me. I folded my arms across my chest, a shield of sorts against whatever words he might spit and hiss at me, the tray dangled lightly from one hand and I looked at him, head slightly bowed and gazing up at him through long, mascara coated eyelashes. “What is…” My words were cut off as he continued to speak and my brow furrowed as I listened to him speak and then I was placing a full on glare on him. “Not here. This is my place of work. I will NOT talk about this with here, one because I work here and two because your kids are here.” I moved towards him, looking up at him, standing nearly chest to chest, “You are neither my lover, nor my father and this fake smile is the only reason I have survived this long.” I snapped the words out at him in a low whisper.

Once more, I turned away from him. “I don’t want to hear excuses either, Wesley. I’ve heard enough of them. I’d had to listen to them after you left and was forced to leave home because of such excuses of, ‘Anila, dear, you did something stupid, now you have to pay the price and that price is not being a part of our family.’ I don’t want, nor need to hear yours.” I stood tall and proud as I cast a withering look over my shoulder at him. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart all over again and I went to take a step to walk way, but life seemed to want to embarrass me to the fullest and my footing was lost, the tray went flying and I waited for the impact that would soon follow.

I don't know what addictive hold
You have on me I can't shake

• complete: yes • muse: amazing • comments: none • word count: 1150

Anila Rain Conners[/center]
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[Wesley Keelan Lawson]

The short weekend visits were something that he cherished but felt were never enough. There were some Friday nights when he would pick up his children from the airport and it felt like he had missed a birthday. Both of them were growing up and the only thing he could do to cope with the fact he was missing their firsts was to tell himself it was for the best. He had to keep repeating to himself that a court battle was not what his children needed when there was already so much confusion in their young lives. As much as he wanted to be the one who had full custody over the pair of them and got to watch them grow up while teaching them wrong and right, he had to wait. He had to hope that one day Jolene would wake up and realise that just sending the kids away for the weekend wasn't enough and that she could no longer handle them through the week as well. Oh, he knew that the only reason he was allowed to see them as much as he did was because their mother felt she needed a break from her little monsters. While he didn't approve that she wasn't willing to deal with the consequences for letting the children get away with whatever they wanted, he couldn't deny that he appreciated it. They were typically well behaved for him though and he had found the best way to squash any sort of rebellion was to threaten a time out or loss of privileges. A few times it had crossed his mind to share his tricks of the trade with Jolene but each time he reasoned with himself that since she was the parent best able to raise them as ruled by the courts, then she must have known better ways to keep them in line.

The look she gave him through her lashes was enough to make his stomach clench uncomfortably. It was enough to bring back memories of the exact same look and where it had lead them. Sometimes it had taken them to good things. Other times it had taken them to bad things. They, like any couple, had done a fair amount of fighting over trivial things. Of course there had been times when the fights had been over issues that actually mattered but more often than not Wes had known when to give into her and just agree. He had learned how to shut his mouth, disappear from the area and just let it blow over. He could never remember a moment where he had slammed a door on her. He could remember plenty of times that he had gotten into his car though. Most of the time the car had never left the curb but instead had turned into a chamber of pollution as he somehow managed to tear through cigarettes faster than the smoke could drift out of the too small crack in the sun roof. Occasionally, he had fallen asleep in the seat of the vehicle but more often than not he had crawled out of the seat and trudged back into the house to apologise with soft kisses and lingering touches. "Not here," The redhead agreed as he continued to look down to her.

A small victory manifested itself in the form of her anger and he didn't know wether to feel satisfied or guilty. He had, after all, wanted to make her angry. Wanted her to kick herself out of the invitation only pity party she'd been hosting. Wanted her to open up to him even if it was hostile intentions in mind. "I don't believe that," He returned in voice that was just as low as hers as he slouched further towards her. He had always unknowingly dropped his posture around her. Always slouching towards her or leaning against something to bring himself closer to her level. He watched her turn away from him through narrowed eyes before taking a half step closer to her back. The half step gained was soon loss though when she straightened her posture and sent him a glare. "You're assuming again," He pointed out in a wry voice with an expression to match. "I don't have any excuses. I have reasons," Shifting his weight off of one foot and onto the other, he gave her a pointed stare as if challenging her to tell him all he had were excuses. He went to open his mouth again to add in one final biting remark but instead found himself lunging forward after her falling form.

Any concern for himself was forgotten the moment it had registered she wasn't just throwing a dramatic turn and was instead actually falling. His knee and back were forgotten. The few onlookers in the diner were forgotten and, most of all, the fact that they were seemingly feuding was forgotten. One hand managed to close on her upper arm to draw her upright through the sheer force of him anchoring and wrenching his own weight backwards. The other arm went to gather her against him by use of her undeniably female waist. Almost instantly he was kicking himself for his actions. No sooner had he drawn her to him did he realise that she felt the same. The wonderful curve of her hips and the way, that despite her considerably smaller stature, still fit along him. He also realised that he was not the same man as he had been three years ago. No longer were his muscles toned from hours of hockey practice and hard labour. Nor was his stomach padded with heavy weight of food that was eaten long after he was full. His height remained of his once fit body but little else had. After what felt like too little time and too much time, he released his hold on her but kept rooted to his spot. His gaze stayed down cast to hers and he mused that he could almost see the red blush that had spread like wildfire so easily on his face reflected in her blue eyes. "We do need to talk though. Not now but soon."

tagged - Anila/Elise<3
comments - none
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[Anila Rain Conners]

I don't know why I want you so
'Cause I don't need the heartbreak

[/b][/i][/color]

We stood there, facing off like two angry pitbulls ready to do battle and then I felt that old thrill, that thrill of fighting with him and what came after it, but that wouldn’t happen, not again, never again and I felt my heart sinks as I told it never. Was never really something that I could say? I had told myself that I would never be stuck in this situation, that I would just throw something in his face and walk away. I couldn’t do it through and I wanted to scream and cry and rave at the heavens about how unfair it all was. I looked up at him with wide eyes and wished that I could make this all go away. I didn’t want to remember all the nights he’d made me feel whole and real and worthy of being loved. I wasn’t worthy of anything now, I wasn’t even a whole person, I was just one side of someone bitter and hateful who had nothing to give to anyone anymore. He’d been my heart and he’d taken it all away when he walked out my door and my fingers skated across my now flat stomach, had it really been three years?

I was drown from my thoughts by the soft whispers I heard bouncing around the room and glanced around sheepishly, dropping my hand away from my stomach as though something nasty might burst out if I kept touching it. I focused back on reality and shoved everything else from my mind, he was the only thing I needed to be worried about right now and maybe my boss showing up to fire my sorry ass. I licked my bottom lip slowly and nodded my head, “How about never?” I snapped without thinking, I really didn’t want to ever talk to him about any of this. I’d worked so hard on just getting on with my life and here I was being sucked back in by him. That was about the time I decided to actually look at him. His eyes, the same green that had always made me feel like I was a wild animal running through a forest filled with nothing, but us. He’d lost weight and wasn’t nearly as muscled up as he had been when last I’d seen him, but I was unsurprised by this. People changed after all. I’d changed, but maybe not as much as him.

Drawing in a breath, I left his words, hurtful as they were, wash over me. His voice was still the same; it still sent shivers up my spine and made me weak in the knees. I shifted my posture, trying to get that shivery feeling out of my system, but it just wouldn’t leave, not so long as I heard his voice in my ears, not so long as it rattled around my brain and made me think of deep red bed sheets and tossed aside blankets, nothing but us on the bed, nothing to get in our way. “Don’t believe what?” There was a note of defeat in my voice that I wished wasn’t there, but I was so very tired, so very sick of it all. I knew that I would probably finish with them and claim to feeling unwell and go home to sleep all this off or get as wasted as I could, even if I was under age, but it was all I could do to keep away the dreams and I’d already had one today, I didn’t need more of them. “I can assume all I want; it’s my right as a person.” I snapped out as him, but it was all the fight I had left.

“Excuses and reasons, aren’t they exactly the same?” I sighed out the words, lifting a hand to rub at a temple, feeling the beginnings of a headache. I just wanted to leave and walk away. I wanted to be done. I couldn’t do this, not here and not anymore. I could feel my heart sinking with each barbed word we spoke to each other and I felt that old sorrow that had nearly incapacitated me for months. I wanted to turn and run, flee to the furthest reaches of the world and never feel this way again, but it was like he just wouldn’t let me do that, like all he wanted to do was take chunks out of my well placed armor until he found the heart of me so he could crush it all over again. “Go ruin someone else. I don’t need this. Not again.” I said the words so softly, that for a moment, I hadn’t even realized that I’d said them and then I was turning, prepared to walk away with as much dignity as I could muster, seems fate had other plans.

I was falling, unsurprised by this because life always seemed to want to throw me a curve ball or two. I knew I’d hit the ground and he would laugh at me or that I would hit the ground and he would just look at me with disgust clearly painted on his face. I shut my eyes, but the ground never met me, instead I felt the warmth of flesh and my eyes shot up to his as he caught me and one of my hands came to rest on his bicep while the other rested lightly against his chest. When we were no longer in motion, my fingers curled softly into the fabric of his shirt and for that moment, I was lost to the scent of him, swimming in memories that I had buried and felt my lip tremble even as my cheeks filled with color and my eyes shot down as I took a step away from him, one hand falling to my side while the one on his chest, just over his heart remained there a moment longer. “Fine, I get off at six if you want to talk after my shift.” I turned swiftly away and went to get their food, my heart in my throat and that blush still coloring my cheeks and a foolish, half smile that just wouldn’t go away.

I don't know what addictive hold
You have on me I can't shake

• complete: yes • muse: amazing • comments: none • word count: 1035

Anila Rain Conners[/center]
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[Wesley Keelan Lawson]

The hand on his chest almost didn't phase him. He almost didn't even realise that she hadn't pulled completely away from him. Instead, his attention had been redirected towards his children and then towards the interested whispers that had risen in volume to concerned mutters. He could feel the colour on his cheeks bleed onto his neck and he inwardly cursed himself. Originally, he hadn't wanted to make a scene. Yes, he had wanted to drawn some sort of emotional response out of her but he hadn't wanted to bring the almost full attention of the diner onto them. The longer the hand remained above his pulsing heart, the more he became aware that the organ was hammering much harder than it should've been. Sure, the lunge after Anila would've brought on a surge of adrenaline but it shouldn't of made his heart double time. In the back of his mind, he knew that the sudden exertion wasn't the cause for it but he wasn't quite willing to admit to himself that she still had such a sway over him. Or at least over his body. Another small look was spent on the every nosey residents of the town. Before taking up the open job at the school, Wes had never once been to Arizona. He had, of course, learned about it when he was younger. He had wanted to visit it at some point when he had been younger but the desire had faded the older he got. Alabama had never really been for him but it had been where he'd stayed for the most part until he had left for college and for his internship. He wasn't even sure if Arizona was for him but he knew it wasn't his choice anymore. He knew it wouldn't be his choice for a long time.

A surprised blink was given in her direction when she agreed to talk to him but he otherwise did nothing to give away the fact that he was shocked she was actually going to talk to him. "Uh," He exhaled at her in a low voice as he shifted his weight again and pulled his pelvis backwards ever so slightly to make getting his phone out of his pocket easier. A quick glance was given to the screen and after mentally ticking off the hours until he had to be back at the airport with his children and the time she was to get off, he gave a slow nod to himself. Stuffing his phone back into his pocket, he glanced up in time to catch her retreating back and he only just managed to keep his eyes from sinking down her retreating form. A slow turn on his heels and a few short steps brought him back to his table where he found both of his children still into their pen drawings. He could only assume that they had been interested in just exactly what he had been doing when he had first scrambled up out of the booth but, true to their nature and age, he guessed they had deemed what was happening as boring and soon returned to the make shift arts n crafts time. The redhead slid back onto the bench beside his daughter who gave him a look but otherwise ignored him in favour of turning his hand print into a turkey. So maybe it wasn't all that close to Thanksgiving and maybe he should've mentioned it to her but who was he to ruin a little girls fun?

His phone made another reappearance when he felt it vibrate rather violently in his pocket. Without even thinking about it, he hit the end button and sent the call to his voice mail. The redirection lasted all of five minutes though and before he even had a chance to put the phone back into his pocket did he receive a new text. He heaved a sigh through his nose and slouched further into his seat before opening up the message and skimming through it. He had stopped really reading any sort of message from Jolene long ago. They were always filled with nagging instructions, snide remarks and terrible surprises. The only positive to her messages was the fact that the terrible surprise was always at the end and therefore, easily found. Another sigh was heaved through his nose and he was forced to clench his free hand to keep himself was tearing his hair out or digging the pack of cigarettes out of his breast pocket. A short reply was sent back before the phone was thunked down in the middle of the table with more force than was actually necessary which earned him a look from the occupant of the closest table. Wesley didn't so much bat an eyelash as he held the gaze of the diner patron who thought it there duty to be the last one to pay him any mind. He had thought that everyone in the diner would've went back to their meals while ignoring any more contact between he and Anila. He should've known though that there would've been one person who felt responsible to at least try and be bold enough to stare him into better behavior. It was only when the other customer had turned their attention back to their meal did Wes look away and instead attempted to find the every so familiar waitress amongst the masses.

tagged - Anila/Elise<3
comments - none
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[Anila Rain Conners]

[bg=ccccff][atrb=border,0,table][atrb=width,410,table] I don't know why I want you so 'Cause I don't need the heartbreak

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After my little adventure with Wesley, I went about my work with a clouded head, rushing to my other tables and taking down orders like my life depended on it. As I worked, I calmed down and as my mind eased, I finally took a full breath and released it, feeling the last of my edginess leave me like the flutter of bird wings. Peace settled over me and a skip to my step was added as I wondered about filling orders and placing drinks on tables with that easy grace that came of working here for so long. Eventually, I even took my hair down, fluffing it out with my fingers before bustling about once more. I laughed freely when things were said to me and in general, tried to ignore the sinking feeling in my chest. I didn’t want to deal with this, but it seemed that I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Letting out a sigh, I walked back towards their table, prepared to ask if there was anything they needed and to inform them that the kitchen was back up and it would be a few more minutes before their food was ready, but as I walked over there I was pulled into a quick dance by a fellow waiter.

Not three steps away was their table as I let out a laugh as my fellow waiter spun me in a circle and stop, kissing my hand before he went on his way. I shook my head, rolling sapphire eyes before turning to the bane of my existence’s table. I opened my mouth and then shut it. No one was even paying attention so I just, inched away quickly and headed back to the kitchen, praying to whatever God their might that their food was done and I could take it to them. As it so happened, it was and I let out a held in breath. Finally! The fast I got this to them, the quicker he would be gone and I would have time to gather my scattered thoughts. I turned food on the tray and a bright, bubbly smile on my face. I walked to them and set the food down without a word, then brought the tray to rest against my legs. “Enjoy.” I wasn’t going to stick around and let him talk to me again, not while I was here. So, as soon as I’d said those words and checked to see if they needed refills, I was gone like the wind I was named for.

Bouncing around from table to table was easy, filling people’s drink and refilling any that needed it while bringing them food. I was good at this, but I wanted more. Maybe I would go home and paint when I was done with all this. That sounded good to me. It would ease my mind and maybe I would finally get rid of that painting I had of him, that I stared at in the late hours before sleep would take me. Shaking my head ruefully, I ran slender fingers though my hair and kept about my work, this was good. My mind was settled and I wasn’t lost in turmoil anymore. There was a skip in my step and something almost genuine in my smile now that I was feeling more myself, even if he was still here. I was surprised that it seemed like that woman wasn’t with him. It seemed as though it was just the three of them which had my mind wondering once more, but I shoved it all back and shrugged my shoulders, what did it matter if she was here or not, nothing bad could happen to me right now.

I printed off a copy of his receipt and walked back to his table, I stood there for a moment, breathing and then smiled at them and asked the question poised on my tongue, “Would you like dessert tonight?” I managed to get the words out without snapping, snarling or anything that could be taken as rude and waited to see what might be said to me, while I fiddled with the black leather holder that held that small piece of paper that could be my freedom if there wasn’t anything else that they needed. I was fairly sure that they wouldn’t get anything else, but one could never be sure.

I don't know what addictive hold
You have on me I can't shake

• complete: yes • muse: good • comments: FORGIVE ME! T_T We can time skip if you want? • word count: 734

ANILA RAIN CONNERS

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[Wesley Keelan Lawson]

Even though he tried to keep his eyes from wandering after the waitress, it was a challenge. He noticed the way she appear much peppier with the other guests and he figured it was only right considering just how he had acted towards her. Once more, he slouched further down into the booth while bringing his hands up to his face. Ever so carefully he rubbed at his lower eyelids and attempted to blink some moisture back into his contacts. It was the same drill each month. He'd wear them constantly and well past the set amount of days only to regret it when his eyes were so red with impending infection and so sore from constant touching that the only relief was to finally change into a fresh pair. His mother, bless her, tried to bug him into changing his contacts throughout his teenage years. She had even tried guilting him into it now that he had the choice of easily ignoring her phone calls. Dropping his hands back into his lap, he glanced towards Anila and her fellow co-worker in time to catch the last half of their short waltz of sorts. For having appeared so heart broken she seemed open enough to someone that, he assumed, she knew. A tilt of his head was given but otherwise he gave the interaction little more thought. What she had decided to do with her life after he had left wasn't his business. A weight settling into his lap was what made him look down to find his daughter offering the pen to him. He took the offered object and watched as she set to work lining her own hand up on the paper beside the one of his she had turned into turkey. "Trace mine, please?" She asked and of course, he couldn't say no. Awkwardly on account of the angle, he drew the outline of her remarkably tiny hand onto the paper. It amazed him at how small Josephine had been and still was compared to her brother. Wes, along with her mother, weren't exactly short people and sure, Wes wasn't exactly fit but her mother had healthy amount of weight on her.

Not a moment too soon did the food arrive and almost the second it touched the table did the children begin there meal. Wesley took the chance to retrieve the pen from his son and stowed both of them away in his pocket for safe keeping. He knew he'd just end up tucking them into their carry ons so that they had them just in case. In no time flat, the food was cleared from each of the plates and drinks were finished in large gulps. Thankfully, Anila came around as if telepathically summoned. "No," He replied curtly before taking the check when it was offered and checking the total. He managed to fish his wallet out of his back pocket and pulled the required bills out of it before tucking them in behind the bill and passing it back. Without a word, he shifted Josephine to the floor so that he could rise and, after collecting his son by the hand from the opposite side, lead the pair out of the diner and back to the car. The drive to the airport stretched on for what seemed like days but was, in reality, more like an hour or so. He tried to ignore the sad faces in the back seat. Tried to ignore the lack of laughter, excited squeals and chatter. Tried to ignore the way he felt like he was losing them all over again. He never got used to having to send them back to Alabama. Even after almost three and a half years, he still felt like he was having part of him torn out and he didn't know if he could ever shake it.

Much too soon he was turning into the parking lot, helping both children out of there safety seats and into their backpacks. He lead them across the parking lot and towards the same bench that had served as a meeting place for far too long. Wes wasn't entirely sure of who exactly he was meeting this time but when a man rose from the bench and started towards them, he guessed that his question was answered. What he had not been counting on was the head of blonde hair that broke from the crowd. Of course, the children pulled from his hands and after giving him short hugs, went to their mother who promptly patted their heads and passed them to her latest companion for introductions before advancing on him. It was a gut reaction for Wes to take a half step backwards for every step forward she took on him. He knew she wanted something from him and while he may not have been completely sure of just what she wanted, it wouldn't be something he was willing to give. The move to grab him and stop him from backing further away from her came as small surprise to him and the only thing he could think to do was drop backwards off the sidewalk. He didn't care that there were cars crawling past behind him. He could almost imagine that he had made Anila feel just like Jolene was making him feel. He almost felt guilty but it was buried under a plethora of other emotions telling him to say his good byes and get back to the car. With one eye on his ex and the other on the strange man, slunk up to his children and hefted each into his arms for a hug and whispered 'i love yous' before kissing each of their foreheads. A wary but hard glare was sent towards the ever smiling Jolene and not another look was spared on the strange man before he crossed the busy street and headed back to his car. Doors were slammed, pedals were stomped much too hard and the engine was revved childishly as his upset and mild anger turned into just plain anger.

If Wes would've decided to time the return trip to the diner, it would've been a record. As his mood would have it though, he hadn't thought to even start a watch and instead had just driven much too fast back to Anila because it was how he dealt with his feelings. More than one cigarette had met its end on the trip and even as he was crawling out of the car there was another hanging from his lips. This time around, he shut the door much more gently and took a few steadying breathes through his nose. He didn't want to yell at Ani. He didn't need to yell at her. If he knew her well enough, she'd do enough yelling for the pair of them. With a smoke filled sigh, he eased himself onto his trunk and sat waiting with his feet dangling mere inches above his abandoned shoes. He took a moment to check the time as he snubbed out what was left of his cigarette and, after checking the time a second time, he lit up yet another one and set in to wait for the waitress to appear.

tagged - Anila/Elise<3
comments - none
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[Anila Rain Conners]

[bg=ccccff][atrb=border,0,table][atrb=width,410,table] I don't know why I want you so 'Cause I don't need the heartbreak

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The rest of the day went by in a blur. It was strange to think that I would see him after work, just like old times. I put a halt on that through as soon as possible and went about my work lie a mad woman. I smiled and answered questions and acted like nothing was eating at me as I walked with quick steps from place to place. My mind was not on what was going on. I’d thought that I’d be fine once he was gone, but it seemed my mood only darkened after he’d walked out of this place and for a minute, as he’d been walking away, I wanted to grab him and hug him. Why? I wasn’t sure, maybe it was that soul look he had on his face. I took my break, walking into the bathroom to touch up my face before going back to work with even less excitement because I knew I was one step closer to being done with it and having to talk to him and hear whatever it was he had to say. I rubbed my forehead, feeling that headache crawling back into my brain and down some medicine in an attempt to keep it away.

All too soon it was over and I was getting ready to leave. I walked into the bathroom once more, glad I’d grabbed clothes to change into. Work clothes just wouldn’t do it for me tonight so I drew in a deep breath and changed clothes, from skirt to short-shorts and blouse to tank top and think leather jacket. Black tights were removed and smooth bare legs were shown before I walked out the door, heels clicking against the floor of the building, but I soon as I was at the door, I took them off and flipped them over my shoulder, dangling off my fingertips. Bare feet hit the pavement and I took a moment to breath in the hot, dry Arizona air. A hint of melancholy hit me and I missed the damp air of England. Shaking my head, I turned and looked around, spotting him easily, a cigarette in his mouth. With a devilish smile twisting my lips, I walked over to him, a swing in my hips and a cock of my head before crossing my arms and stopping in front of him, one finely arched eyebrow raised over azure eyes.

“So, you wanted to talk. Get on with it then, I don’t have all night to stand here and listen to aimless prattle.” The words came out harshly, but I kept my face carefully blank. I wasn’t about to give away any hint of the turmoil inside. He’d seen enough of that earlier today and I wasn’t going to let him see anymore. He didn’t have the right to it and I wasn’t going to be fake with him either. He didn’t have a right to any of that, all he had a right to was the blank wall that I put up between us; nothing more and nothing less. I couldn’t let him in beyond that. If I did, who knew what would happen. I couldn’t let him touch my again, that was for sure and maybe that was why I’d taken off my heels, just so that I wouldn’t get off balance all over again. I didn’t need to fall into his arms like a helpless maiden and have him sweet me off my feet, though I doubt he could have done any sweeping, he didn’t look like himself anymore and yet, he did. I couldn’t really explain it. When I touched him, there wasn’t any more heavy mass and somehow, that made him more appealing.

Then a thought hit me, a way I could sort of touch him, but not at the same time, a way to try and bring down the tension between us and I reached out, taking the cigarette from him and turning it in my fingers, not dropping it or taking a drag as I might have before. “I would have thought you would have kicked this habit by now.” There was a teasing note to my words before I held it back out to him, a mild look of mock disgust on my face. Once upon a time I would have been smoking right alongside him, even though I’d been underage at the time. Now though, I’d long since kicked the habit, knowing that it wasn’t good for unborn children and even if I wasn’t keeping her, I’d wanted her to be healthy and whole when she went to that family that could love her and care for her. I swallowed down a lump of sadness; he didn’t need to know about her or what had happened to her after he’d walked away from me.

I don't know what addictive hold
You have on me I can't shake

• complete: yes • muse: good • comments: none • word count: 805

ANILA RAIN CONNERS

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[Wesley Keelan Lawson]

Pants, much like shoes, were a complete and utter nuisance. Either they were too long or too short. If they fit around his waist, they didn't quite reach his ankles. If they covered his long legs to his liking, it was almost a guarantee that they were too big in the waist. As if to make matters worse, Wes had only realised his clothing dilemma once he had moved out of his parents' home and had started to shop for himself. Even when he had been in college he had just waited until he went home on a weekend and then went shopping with his mother who had a special gift. No, she couldn't magically make jeans that fit appear but she could seemingly pick a pair that fit well enough from a pile of denim. She could not only do it for her youngest but both of her step children as well. The redhead could fondly remember plenty of reluctant family shopping trips ending with each gangly Lawson having found not one or two but three pairs of jeans or skirts. Sometimes, he missed living at home. He missed being able to get up at two in the afternoon and stumble half blind with sleep down the stairs to the kitchen to find a plate of whatever breakfast had been resting in the oven. He tried to visit the cosy two story home whenever he had the extra money but more often than not, his flights home were reserved for holidays and emergencies that required him to be home. He had planned on making a trip over the summer break but the money he had saved had ended up being leeched by his responsibilities as an adult and functioning member of society.

Wesley kicked his legs a few more times before bringing them to sudden halt with a small thump of his heels against the bumper. He wasn't sure what made him think of the small orange bottle in his glove box but he could only guess it had to do with waiting for Anila. He had always used her and her schedule as a way to remind himself when to take his medication. Like any normal person, there had been a few times when he had forgotten but it had been infrequent enough as to not cause any real problems. Within the past few years it had become a habit though. He had broken away from his schedule of taking the pills meant to keep his pain levels to a tolerable threshold and keep most of the fluid out. Shaking his head to himself, he slid off the trunk and made his way around to the passenger side of the car. It was probably bad practice to keep his medications inside the constantly unlocked car for more reasons than just the obvious ones. He let the door rest against his hip as he ducked inside the low vehicle and dropped the glove box open. The muted orange of the almost practically filled plastic bottles stood out to him against the recycled white of emergency napkins. He gave his head another shake as he picked each bottle of the compartment in turn and shook the required dosage out into his palm. He knew it was stupid to suddenly decide to take his pills just because Anila was back. For one, she wasn't back. He'd wake up tomorrow and he'd go about his business without her there as someone to base his own schedule around. He doubted she even kept the same times as she did three years ago. Straightening back up, he closed the car door and popped the pills into the back of his throat with a quick slap of his palm against his lips. He swallowed them down with practiced ease and after wrinkling his nose at the after taste, he returned to his shoes.

He sat and waited once more on the warm metal of the trunk. He half expected her to not show up and to instead sneak out of the back. He knew that it wasn't in her nature though. Not once could be remember her backing down from him during any of their fights. She could always push herself up to him and stare back at him with just as much resolution as he was staring at her. Their fights had always been a test of endurance in his own opinion. It had very rarely come down to who was right or who was wrong but instead had come down to who was willing to go the longest without saying they were sorry. Smiling to himself, he remembered plenty of times that he tried to get around being the one to apologise by crawling into the bed with her once she had been asleep. He could remember starting out on his own side of the bed on those nights and waking up to her rolling over against his chest. She had always fit nicely to him in the most cliche way. He rubbed his face as if to rub away the memories but the smile still remained. Yet another cigarette was lit and brought to his lips where a long drag turned quickly into a short puff when he spotted her walking out of the door. It was outfits like those that had gotten him every single time. He would try to tell her no and he would keep telling her no. He'd ignore her attempts to bring him in with her words and firmly try to keep his eyes off her body. He knew that she knew how to use it to her advantage and he was more than sure that she knew just how effective it was against him. He had to remind himself to breath as he watched her saunter across the parking lot towards him with that sinful sway in her hips. Distractedly, he drew another drag off his cigarette and slowly exhaled the smoke through his nose.

"It's not prattle," The teacher mocked with an eye roll as he tried in earnest to keep his gaze from sinking lower. He didn't want to remember how her clean shaven, soft legs had felt under his calloused, rough hands. He didn't want to remember any it but at the same time, he wanted to. "You don't have to stand either. Take a seat if you really want," He shrugged as he pulled himself further back on the trunk so that he could fold his legs in front of him to sit cross legged. Wes had just brought the cigarette back to his lips and had managed to take half an inhale off of it before it was whisked away from him. He gave a scowl at her but otherwise made no move to take it back. She had taken more than her fair share from him when they had been together and even though he had never liked it, he had put up with it for the sake of keeping the peace about one thing in their life. The smoke he held was released in a loud guffaw when she said about thinking he would've stopped smoking. He didn't answer her with words but instead let his rather embarrassing bark of laughter do the job. Instead, he took the cigarette back when it was offered to him and instantly brought it back to the corner of his mouth where a relieved drag was brought into his lungs off it. He had expected her to throw it straight to the ground and snub it out of existence. "Ya'know I kinda did it for you, right? The whole leaving thing? I did it partially for you, mostly for my kids and somewhat for myself, I guess." He told her while exhaling off to the side. He figured she probably wouldn't believe him but he felt that the least he could do was explain himself after leaving without a word. "I know how Jolene works and I knew she wasn't going to let you alone, so I moved away and took her with me. Of course, I thought about getting the police involved but then I would've had to hand myself in. Either way, I would've lost my kids to Jolene or the state." He was just rambling now as he reclined himself back against the windshield and continued to smoke away at the menthol between his fingers. "I thought about calling to check on you after you were left out of the hospital but I didn't figure you'd want to hear from me. I mean, I wouldn't really want to see the person who caused my abuse," It almost felt like old times. It almost felt like when he would lay with his head in her lap on the living room couch and just talk to her to talk to her. He sighed audibly and brought an arm behind his head so that he could actually look at her with tired green eyes.

tagged - Anila/Elise<3
comments - none
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[Anila Rain Conners]

[bg=ccccff][atrb=border,0,table][atrb=width,410,table] I don't know why I want you so 'Cause I don't need the heartbreak

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I brushed the dark strands of my hair behind my ear, eyes on the ground for a moment before allowing them to flick up and watch him through my bangs and long lashes. For some reason, this made me think of all the other times he’d picked me up from work. Back then, I would have rushed to him, throwing my arms around his neck, legs copying the motion of my arms around his waist and planted a kiss on them right then and there. He had been my Romeo back then and I had been his Juliet and just like those star crossed lovers, things had ended badly, though only one of us died, I’d died inside. It had been an endless walk through a gray, colorless world. Drawing in a slow breath, I released it and lifted my head to look at him dead on. He’d said he’d give me answers and I was here for them. That was all this was about, even as my heart picked up speed the closer I got to him, eyes roaming over his face and once more craving to be touched by him, craving to be pull taunt like a bowstring.

“It is prattle and you know it.” I narrowed azure eyes on him, but my lips quirked up, the first sign of playfulness in a long while. It felt good to allow myself to mess around like this. I mean, I didn’t think I would ever forgive him, but at the very least I could try and act like he hadn’t changed me that much, even though he’d completely changed me when he’d walked away. Deep breath in, release and he spoke and my eyes flickered over his face for a moment, brows drawing together at the offer and for a minute, I almost wanted to be rude and snap at him, but instead of opening my mouth to say something, I moved forward, turned around and leaned back next to him, before placing a bare foot against the edge of the car and lifting myself up onto the trunk with ease, surprised that I didn’t almost slip off head first and leaned back until my back touched the window and I could look up at the sky by leaning my head backwards. This was strange, but it felt right and it shouldn’t have, not after this long. We were different people, weren’t we?

Listening to him speak, I frowned, not sure how I felt about his words, but knowing for some reason they were true. “No, I didn’t know.” My words were soft, barely above a whisper because I wasn’t sure I could trust myself not to go into a fit of raging hysterics. Licking my bottom lip, I drew my legs up to wrap my arms around them, feet tucked close and hands holding my arms, as though I was trying to keep myself together, when really, I was trying to build a wall around myself to keep him out, even as he wormed his way in. “Somewhat for yourself? What’s that supposed to mean?” My voice was small and I wondered if he would even hear me. I swallowed, not sure if I wanted him to hear me, but at the same time, I needed these questions answered and I closed my eyes, feeling my heart stutter and slam on as I took in each and every word that he said, trying to breath normal and not allow myself to take those shallow, short panicked breaths that I really craved right now. This hurt, listening to this hurt.

“I’m glad you didn’t. Call I mean. I don’t think I could have faced knowing that you’d called or faced talking to you at that time. I was falling apart at the seams, because I figure she didn’t tell you…” I stopped there, not wishing to tell him, but knowing that I should. Still, I didn’t want him to pity me. I looked at him side long and shrugged, “It’s not like you’re the one who raised a hand against me.” There wasn’t much confidence in my voice as I spoke, but did it really matter? I didn’t think this would fix anything, he wasn’t going to come back to me and I didn’t feel that I would go back to him. Once more, that horrible constricting feeling hit me in the chest and I leaned back, keeping my legs bent arms straight and hand still laced against them, turning my eyes towards the sky. “Though, I didn’t expect to see you here. I would have thought you would have been wherever they are.” I counted the stars in my head, trying to distract myself from the warmth I felt coming from the person next to me, that body heat I so craved because I always felt so cold.

I don't know what addictive hold
You have on me I can't shake

• complete: yes • muse: good • comments: none • word count: 810

ANILA RAIN CONNERS

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